The Burrow

You may not know it if you don’t follow games as a hobby on the internet. That is to say, you don’t hop on Reddit or Twitter (X) and see what people are saying. If you did, you may find yourself a bit lost. You will see endless conversations about what games are, who they are meant for, whether or not they have an agenda, and the list can go on and on. So far on this site, I have mostly written about older games that I revisit. I use it as a creative outlet to try and articulate how feel about them. Also, I wanted to be games critic for a very long time, so it is a little wish fulfillment.

One thing that really stands outs to me in these conversations is that people need a way to escape. What they are escaping from, they don’t always say but often you will see people cite problems that they have with “wokeism.” A loose definition might be that they feel that there is a culture shift away from the norms of yesteryear. You may have noticed that there are more diverse stories out there lately. Characters that do not fit into the heteronormative standard that a repressive or close mind society would embrace. More people are coming into the entertainment spaces are being given an opportunity to succeed and tell their own stories. I believe this is a good thing and from it, we will see more variety in our art, at least I hope we do.

While I think any reasonable person would agree with that statement, still, the assertion that people need to escape the reality that they find themselves in is frightening to me. I saw a movie a few years ago where global warming had taken its toll on our planet. The safety of the inland had been monopolized by “land barons” and the poor and impoverished were stuck on the coast in ankle deep water, only coming out at night due to the extreme heat. The worlds governments had been completely supplanted by the rich and the corporations. The only solace the poor people had was a device developed by the military for interrogation that allowed for invasion of a person’s mind. They discovered this could also be used to allow people to relive by gone parts of their lives, when they were happier. A device I wish I had now.

Today, as I write this, I am going through a difficult time. I am in many ways unsatisfied with the direction of my life. I have an okay job, a mortgage, a dog, and good friends. But still, I feel like there is something vital missing from that. My girlfriend and I have hit a sort of impasse, a crossroads, and I am worried that maybe the path we end up taking could send us in different directions. In these pivotal moments, I tend to look inward, what could I have done differently? Why did get upset at that small thing? Why didn’t I go to that party, or event that I missed? And in looking inward and looking around me at the state of the world, I think the problem would is that, I too, fell into the lure of escapism.

I go back and forth between feeling like I had a difficult childhood. I was raised by a single parent along with a sister that is six years my senior. My sister and I weren’t very close being so far apart in age and having different interests, but still, I do remember wanting to tag along with her and her friends a few different times. Of course, I was not always permitted unless some parental intervention was evoked. My father was largely absent, and I wanted to believe that it did not matter as much as it did. There were times when I would get angry, sad, even times of relief when he wasn’t there. I toke a liking to games at an early age. Playing the Super Nintendo and our limited library of games, Super Mario World being chief among them. In the end, Mario always saved the princess, always triumphed over Bowser and his minions. It felt making a difference in that world even if it was relegated to the fifteen-inch screen that I played on.

I was a tough kid to raise, I had an ADHD diagnosis early on, as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, though I only became aware that recently. Looking back, I think they were spot on. I did not want to listen to anyone and when I wasn’t at school or elsewhere, I was playing games. In retrospect, I was escaping all the way back then. Mom struggling with money? Easy, just get a job in the Sims, problem solved. Friends didn’t invite you to that party? Who cares? You have power cells to find in Jak & Daxter. Dad not there? Solid Snake needs my help with a new Metal Gear. I empathize with people now, struggling to find connection, paying for their homes of apartments, wanting to avoid childhood trauma. It is so hard to face those things and feel good about where you are when the system seems hell bent on making it as difficult as possible. Our leaders constantly pointing fingers in the other direction and refusing to accept responsibility. No wonder we want to build criminal empires in Grand Theft Auto. There we have total control.

I am writing this today, because I had to face some hard truths this year. Some things I can’t fix. There is no reset button. There is no save point. I can’t undo a dialog option when I am talking to a flesh and blood person. And yes, I know, life isn’t a game, this has never been the case. But I know that I have to learn to live in the moment. That I have feel the pain in order to heal. We cannot run from our problems, they are always on our heels, one step ahead. Games shouldn’t be an escape; we shouldn’t need to escape. We have to learn to rely on ourselves, our inner strength, and our loved ones so we can be the best version of who we are. So this weekend, I called my dad, and we had a heart to heart. I told it was okay, that I forgave him, that I know he has regrets, and that I understood. I told him that neither of us can change what happened, but we can work together to make up for lost time. And do you know what? I haven’t felt lighter in years. I let that burden go and I am not going to stop there. I am not going to bury my head in the sand to save a fictional world. I am going to save my own. So, call your parents, your siblings, that friend you had a fight with, that girl/boy you love and can’t live without. Tell them what they mean, tell them that your sorry, or how they made you feel. Learn to forgive them and move on from there. Games can be an outlet, a safe place to deconstruct your feelings, but you can live in them. The world out there does not cease when you hit the power button. Let’s live our lives, we only get one.